Banana Steroids

"Magnificent" by Estelle

...you have got to believe me / what I have won't come easy ... my love is so magnificent baby...

It's a Friday. I am in "NOVA" visiting my friend at GMU. He just bought a condo not too far from campus. We are going to Philadelphia on Saturday for the Vagina Monologues so we stopped in northern Virginia so Brittany could visit her parents and I could hang out with my best friend.

He and I went to high school together. I didn't much like him in high school. I didn't much like anyone but the Black kids.

We went so to a bar called Blue Laguna last night, which was really fun...Washington Apples...mmm.

On the drive up here, I cried about my mother. She has a cold, my Daddy informed me. I called to check up on her but she didn't answer so I left a message. She has yet to call back and as you know, that is her steelo. Now I am angry with her again instead of missing her. This is my cycle though. I almost feel like Will on that episode of The Fresh Prince when he cried wondering why his father doesn't want him.

One of my friends isn't really my friend anymore. I just don't like her. She is funny and she is fun but she is harsh and judgmental. I have been through A LOT. I am not looking for pity or sympathy even, but I won't tolerate people who will only add to the vault of misery I secretly walk around with.

I read some old emails from my stalker, very angry ex-boyfriend. I don't know what I do to men that makes them so angry. I really do try to be nice and loving and caring but it never ends well. I have not one amicable severance with any man I have ever known.

I miss my old friend who spelled his name as Black Man backwards. I am simultaneously really pissed at him.

I keep dropping my damn phone. It is an expensive, nice phone that I keep dropping. It is currently doing strange things when nothing is being asked of it. Everytime I drop it I holler out expletives as I imagine this is finally the time it won't work and I'll have to pay the $50 deductible to get another phone.

Despite all that, I am having an excellent day. It is still ridiculously windy outside, as it has been for two days straight, but it is sunny and not too cold. It looks pretty from inside this condo.

I took my braids out and my hair looks magnificent. I feel like a magic woman. I look like one too. I shall try to post a picture.

I am still eating really healthy. I don't even have to think about it much now. I just instinctively crave things that are good for me (although I did massacre 2 Ferrero Rocher chocolate balls but I don't feel bad about it because that was my inner child eating, not me).

The Vagina Monologues is tomorrow!

I had my first hearing as a member of the University Hearing Board on Wednesday.

I participate in this Women of Color Discussion group that I love and is hosted by two wonderful faculty members of my university. In the past few meetings, I have met such interesting Black women. The six of us went to the basketball on Wednesday night. This is my most exciting piece of news.

After all the hardship with so many friends, I had concluded and resolved that I would never make another friend again. I told myself that I am too trusting and it rarely fairs well for me. But then I met these ladies and I don't know if I can trust them or not yet, but I don't care. I wasn't meant to be a recluse or antisocial. My personality is bigger than my pain and my inclination to jump in head first is stronger than my inhibitory mechanisms.

I rationalized that every painful thing that has happened to me has not killed me. And I love people. And people tend to love me, at least in the beginning. So why not meet new people and accrue more friends? I always say life is hard and I don't want to go it alone.

At least for today, my life is as magnificent as it is outside.