Where the Good Goes

"Dancing in the Dark" by Solange

...I should be dancin' baby / I should be movin'...

I hate scantrons. And scantrons have plagued me AND my education for 17 years.

I worry incessantly that I will mark outside of the designated circle. For the questions whose answers I am not too sure about but I fear that I won't have time to come back and fill it in, I fill out a tentative answer, a little lighter than the circles who house the answers I am sure about. This is the point that I worry that my shading is too light. I also worry that the shade, although lighter than usual, is not uniform and is lighter in some parts of the circle than it is in other places.

It is stupid, inconsequential, I know, but these are the kinds of things I tend to worry about. I am preoccupied with presentation. I have OCD but only the compulsion portion. I don't have obsessive thoughts but I feel compelled to write a certain way, do things in a certain order, sit in a particular fashion, etc. or I feel anxious. And I'm not just being particular. It causes me substantial distress (kind of).

I digress. I hate scantrons. I took this test in Abnormal Psychology with 70 questions. That means, at maximum, I can only miss 6 questions and still get an A. I counted that there were 8 I was unsure about and I estimate I got 4 of them right, so an A is still very possible.

However, I always have this dread that there will be questions that I got the right answer to but will be marked wrong because I slipped outside of the line! And I know that my professor is not manually checking 200+ scantrons when the machine has already looked over them. Damn. Why you tryna stick me for my paper?

Lending You My Lent Scheme

"I Choose You" --Jaheim's version of Willie Hutch's song

...there ain't nothin' I wouldn't do for ya / change my life so I can live it for ya...

Tomorrow, February 25, begins Lent. It will last for 46 days, April 11.

I have never given up something for Lent. I consider myself a Christian and I don't know why I haven't acknowledged it, but I just never have. Christina always gives up something, even though it sometimes end before the 40 days is up.

There are some things I would have really been interested in giving up this year. However, I gave them up in the spirit of the New Year and I have been doing a fairly decently maintaining my abstinence.

I wondered then, could I start something new and categorize it as the cessation of not doing something. You get it? For example, I would start meditating everyday (which Christina know she needs to do--yes I put you out) and say I gave up not meditating everyday.

I would like to stop using profanity, forgetting to pray, and eating meat. The last is not going to happen soon. Being in college does not allow me creative ways to find the protein I need if I should give up meat. I will give up profanity via prayer and meditation sessions every morning.

I shall also start working out! I just thought about it. I have been looking for a good time to start. I have tests this week and I didn't want to bother but I think that I will start tomorrow. I am giving up not working out.

Lent is not really intended for us to give up some vice of our own. We are supposed to spend the time praying, fasting, and abstaining from a negative or participating in a positive activity or habit that improves the world.

I shall justify more prayer and exercise as my contribution to good in the world by being a healthier, nicer person who doesn't hog all the food.

Straight Like That

"Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes

...I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me / and every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be...

I am on the hunt for Mei Fun Noodles, something serious.

I first had them several weeks ago but I mysteriously forgot about them.

They have reappeared in my mind's kitchen but I cannot make them appear before me. I have called so many Chinese restaurants near my parents' house (with whom I am visiting for the weekend) and none of them carry Mei Fun noodles on their menu.

I need Mei Fun noodles. There is nothing that has been consistently supportive and loving and caring and dependable quite like food. And I love her back twice as much as she can say she loves me.

My auntie noticed that I lost weight too. Call, text, email, facebook, myspace me if you find and can bring me some Mei Fun noodles.

100: Freeze

"We Major" by Kanye West

...come on homie / we major / we major? / come on homie / we major / we major!...

Last week Tuesday, I took my first test in my perception class. That class is not a game. It is so detailed and the big picture is only minimally relevant. The big picture is easy to understand, basic knowledge and the professor expects you to know that already. He does not teach that part.

Oh, but the details. The process of changing light energy from the environment to chemical energy of the brain is long and interrupted in lecture by more details, although the process in our brains is smooth and fast.

However, it is my kind of education. All the information is there. There really isn't anything to have to figure out or deduced. The facts are established and all I have to do is read and understand the concepts.

And I did. "Two people got a 100 on the test. The class average was about an 88." And I was one of those people with that 100. I logged onto Blackboard, knowing I did well (I was calling for a 93), but pleasantly surprised.

It is just an example of one's efforts being fully reflected in the results. It was satisfaction. I studied soooo much for that test. I can't even begin to explain to you the lengths I took to understand the information. I did not study to memorize it. I studied it to know it. I could take that test again and still get an A, maybe not a 100 though.

In that small piece of news in my life, I persevere. School is my boyfriend. I love him and he challenges me, sophisticates me, improves me. Now, I just have to put the same energy into the rest of my life and when I check on God's Blackboard system, best be 100 points up. Ya dig?

Banana Steroids

"Magnificent" by Estelle

...you have got to believe me / what I have won't come easy ... my love is so magnificent baby...

It's a Friday. I am in "NOVA" visiting my friend at GMU. He just bought a condo not too far from campus. We are going to Philadelphia on Saturday for the Vagina Monologues so we stopped in northern Virginia so Brittany could visit her parents and I could hang out with my best friend.

He and I went to high school together. I didn't much like him in high school. I didn't much like anyone but the Black kids.

We went so to a bar called Blue Laguna last night, which was really fun...Washington Apples...mmm.

On the drive up here, I cried about my mother. She has a cold, my Daddy informed me. I called to check up on her but she didn't answer so I left a message. She has yet to call back and as you know, that is her steelo. Now I am angry with her again instead of missing her. This is my cycle though. I almost feel like Will on that episode of The Fresh Prince when he cried wondering why his father doesn't want him.

One of my friends isn't really my friend anymore. I just don't like her. She is funny and she is fun but she is harsh and judgmental. I have been through A LOT. I am not looking for pity or sympathy even, but I won't tolerate people who will only add to the vault of misery I secretly walk around with.

I read some old emails from my stalker, very angry ex-boyfriend. I don't know what I do to men that makes them so angry. I really do try to be nice and loving and caring but it never ends well. I have not one amicable severance with any man I have ever known.

I miss my old friend who spelled his name as Black Man backwards. I am simultaneously really pissed at him.

I keep dropping my damn phone. It is an expensive, nice phone that I keep dropping. It is currently doing strange things when nothing is being asked of it. Everytime I drop it I holler out expletives as I imagine this is finally the time it won't work and I'll have to pay the $50 deductible to get another phone.

Despite all that, I am having an excellent day. It is still ridiculously windy outside, as it has been for two days straight, but it is sunny and not too cold. It looks pretty from inside this condo.

I took my braids out and my hair looks magnificent. I feel like a magic woman. I look like one too. I shall try to post a picture.

I am still eating really healthy. I don't even have to think about it much now. I just instinctively crave things that are good for me (although I did massacre 2 Ferrero Rocher chocolate balls but I don't feel bad about it because that was my inner child eating, not me).

The Vagina Monologues is tomorrow!

I had my first hearing as a member of the University Hearing Board on Wednesday.

I participate in this Women of Color Discussion group that I love and is hosted by two wonderful faculty members of my university. In the past few meetings, I have met such interesting Black women. The six of us went to the basketball on Wednesday night. This is my most exciting piece of news.

After all the hardship with so many friends, I had concluded and resolved that I would never make another friend again. I told myself that I am too trusting and it rarely fairs well for me. But then I met these ladies and I don't know if I can trust them or not yet, but I don't care. I wasn't meant to be a recluse or antisocial. My personality is bigger than my pain and my inclination to jump in head first is stronger than my inhibitory mechanisms.

I rationalized that every painful thing that has happened to me has not killed me. And I love people. And people tend to love me, at least in the beginning. So why not meet new people and accrue more friends? I always say life is hard and I don't want to go it alone.

At least for today, my life is as magnificent as it is outside.

Forever, For Always, For Love

"Tonight is the Night" by Betty Wright

...tonight is the night / that you make me your woman...

The Vagina Monologues will be performed at Temple University this Saturday and Brittany and I will be going to see it. Brittany's best friend (and my best friend by proxy), Katherine, is performing in it and I am elated that I finally get to see this show.

I have read so much about the Monologues, watched some performances on television, discussed them in different classes, and generally daydreamed about seeing it myself.

It appeals to my femininity and my feminism. I love being a woman and all that it encompasses culturally but I also resent much of the cultural expectations and prejudices, hence my feminism. Additionally, the obsession and defamation of the female genitalia the world over is an interesting common disease. From colloquial (and derogatory) terms like "pussy" used to denote a lack of masculinity or timidity to the tragedy of female genital mutilation, there is a fascination, a fear, and a disrespect of the female parts, left wholly unaddressed in the patriarchal, misogynistic society.

More after the show....

International Affair

"After the Hurricane" by Jazmine Sullivan

...cuz when the tears start flowin' / the wind starts blowin' / that's how you know it's comin' for you...

The Cardinals did not win the Superbowl (XLIII) last night, but it was an amazing game. Both teams played so well though. James Harrison's unbelievable interception and subsequent 100 yard dash to a touchdown was so serious. And Larry Fitzgerald's smooth catch into his 64 yard run to glory made me think that he had saved our game.

Yes, I was going hard for the Arizona Cardinals last night. For one, Fitzgerald and Breaston are fine. For two, Steelers' fans are annoying. And for three, Brittany likes the Steelers.

Some of my other friends were on the Arizona Cardinals bandwagon, mostly to support the underdog.

The underdog. Always root for the underdog. It is a difficult position to occupy and a hurtful title to reign under. It encourages people to lower their expectations of you and lower your appraisal of yourself. We all need expectations to live up to. Yes, unrealistic ones can be damaging, but expectations, at an appropriate level, are healthy. It informs a person that there are people who care enough about her, believe in her enough to expect something from her.

I am an underdog. I have some fans that used to think the world of me and now wait for me to fail bigger and bigger everyday. And that's fine. I have taken inventory and I have all I need to do it big.

So underdogs, meet those low expectations enough until they raise them to a level that is an accurate reflection of your ability and drive.