Grid Kisses

"Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga

...i'm your biggest fan / i'll follow you until you love me / papa-paparazzi / baby, there's no other superstar / you know that i'll be your / papa-paparazzi...


I have a theory about friendships between females between the ages of 18 and 25.  They are usually quite intense, close friendships that resemble loving sisters of the same genetic line.  After two years, it begins to dissipate, sisters get annoyed, people grow and mature and have less in common, etc.  and the closeness fizzles, the loyalty is compromised, and soon, the friendship is no more.


I fit into the aforementioned demographic and have experienced those intense relationships, only to see them fizzle and feel my heartbreak in the course of it.


My first group of friends in college seemed like they were going to be my friends for life.  We did everything together and I would do anything for them.


These friendships made me weary and mistrusting of people.  I did anything and everything for each of them.  I was so giving, loved them unconditionally.  I constantly had them on my mind and felt responsible for them.  We were so close.


And then they all dropped off.  None of my motherliness was appreciated.  All I did for them went unnoticed.  I even let two friends, She'mone and Jasmine (and her son) live at my apartment at one of the devastating and destructive periods of my depression, rent free.


Now when I see Jasmine, she may or may not acknowledge me.  When I see She'mone, my heart swings like a pendulum between extreme hatred for this selfish, mean-spirited, unkind, unattractive ignoramus to compassion for a quiet, greatly insecure, sad-eyed girl.


And then Will tragedy happened.  And then Shatara fiasco happened.  And then I was thought to myself, "Why do I do this to myself?"


I started to feel like I didn't need anybody.  I didn't want to make friends, I didn't want to maintain friendships and I most definitely did not want to sustain that kind of heartbreak again.


So this semester, I started out with an I-don't-give-a-damn kind of attitude.  I don't want any friends.  I am just going to concentrate on school and get straight A's (not going to happen).  


Then I met some girls that I love, love, love.  I met people who are as giving, kind, loving, supportive, and willing to sacrifice as much as I am.

They love Black people.  They want to fight for Black people's prosperity for all their lives.  They love the gays.  They want to fight for the gay's prosperity all of their lives.  They love all those who are marginalized and want to spend all the days of their lives fighting for the justice the liars want to tell us is not available.


Those girls inspire me so much.  In their power, the remind me of my power.  They support me.  They indulge my happiness, my sadness, my Africanness, my womynness, my powerfulness, my weakness, my everything.  They are so conscious about the world and conscious about the support every human being needs and deserves to be full and happy.


And they are so willing to provide it.  I believe, after Thursday night, we are bonded for life.  I have friends and I have new friends.  I got stuff.



Ariel.Charity.Valerie.Velma.  Thank you.