Because My Tears Fall Into Your Kalabash

"I Can't Get Next To You" by Al Green

...i, oh i, can turn a gray sky blue / i, you see, i can make it rain when i want to / oh i, can build a castle from a single grain of sand / i, you see, i can make a ship sail on dry land, tell him, yeah...

I feel so powerful today.  After I took statistics final, I felt really free.  While at the library yesterday, reviewing the practice final exams, I became so overwhelmed.  I was answering all the questions, completing a page at a time before breaking to look at the answers and correcting my mistakes.  By the third page, I was about to set myself on fire with rage.


I got like 6 questions right in three damn pages.  I realized that I only vaguely understood the concepts I was going to be tested on.  I started to criticize myself.  I got really out of pocket on myself.  The vitriol was just ruminating in my head like an already long iTunes playlist on repeat.


Valerie rubbed my back and reminded me that the world was only collapsing in my head.  We got up and walked around the library for a bit to get my blood flowing and distract me.  Then she said that "looking at all the books in the library always made her think about how much she doesn't know."


And I quickly walked to the bathroom that smelled like a dead body was growing out of the toilets and started to cry.  I didn't cry immediately.  The stench of the room stunned my tear ducts for a moment.


I'm not sure why I stopped crying but I did and then I walked back to the table and decided that I just didn't care.


I would get through what I could and learn what I had time to.  That's all I could do.  At about 1:00am, I called my cousin and asked him if I could crash at his apartment for the night since my exam was soooo early in the morning (8am), walked over to his house, talked to him and his chick for a bit and went to bed.  I didn't even attempt the online extra credit quizzes.  Whatever.


I awoke around 7am, brushed my teeth, sulked, and went to the library.  I studied for an extra hour, deciding to show up an hour late for the exam.  Best decision of my life.  That last minute review was so much more productive, having had a night to rest from my self-deprecation and other negative emotions.  I was more clear headed and I was getting the answers right!


So I walked in my exam at 9:13am, sat down and went to work.  The final was actually much easier than the practice exams she posted on Blackboard and I had learned a bunch of calculator tricks from the textbook.

She would always mention in her emails and in the classes that I actually attended but I never payed attention.  They were a life saver though son.  All I had to do was plug in numbers.
**However, I do feel bad about this because I do think education is more than memorizing procedures that lead to the answer.  I feel like I should truly learn things in order to apply them to my personal life, make them relevant to my human condition long after I have taken the class...but whatever.  It's math.  Eat my shorts statistics.**

I escaped from the exam around 10:40am and rode the bus home, immeasurably relieved that I had completed that crap.

And the rest of my day improved.  I made all these administrative phone calls I have meaning to make for a while but have been avoiding because I expected a reprimand or bad news.  All of them went well.  People can be so nice.


I sold a book for a decent price which saved me from a life of destitution (not, but really, yeah).  My bank disputed a bogus charge for me and refunded my money, so I have some unexpected funds (that are going straight to savings)!  My douchebag perverted boss might be able to get some real hours in the office although he already promised and didn't come through.  I'll have faith though.

I was able to move two of my exams so that I just have one exam a day.  One of my professors personally emailed me my grade for my last assignment in his class because he thought it was so dope.

My Dad is bringing me some rice tomorrow.


And I feel in control.  I feel like there is justice in my life, even if it is delayed or irregularly decorates my world.  I feel that some cycles in my life are okay.  I have periods of pessimism and self-pity and I have periods of high sense of efficacy and optimism.

Honestly, I think I need them both.  The times when I am suffocating under water are made less devastating by remembering what it is like to breath and knowing that eventually, I will exhale.


I even said to myself, at some point today, "I'm in college.  I slack off sometimes.  I'm fragile.  I party harder than the next kid sometimes.  I dilute my potential and sabotage my efforts sometimes.  I'm hungry sometimes.  I'm broke all the time.  I'm crazy and I wonder about the existential stuff too much.  I'm still broke.  And I f***ing love it."

I think I'm powerful.  I got super powers.  I can do everything Al Green says in that song.


That's what I told myself.  Good job self on a day well done.  Remember that I love you Zainab.


Good luck on your exams [everyone].  Hooray for 24/7 library hours.


On some real, they better name one of the damn buildings after me, all the hours I put in this mofo.