Something Only We Have

"Is It Any Wonder" by Keane

...sometimes, it's hard to know where I stand / It's hard to know where I am...

Spring break has commenced (Thank you God). I am possibly going to Miami or New York. I am not sure yet but for the time being, I am in my apartment, incredibly bored.

My room was a mess so I made a big production and process out of cleaning it up (with which I am not through as I decided to do laundry too and it's been a minute).

I put up iTunes and put it on Shuffle, as usual. I think that is the best option ever for playing one's music.

An old song that I was crazy about some years ago when her album, Full Moon, came out, started to fill the room. At about minute 2:04 of "Love Wouldn't Count Me Out", something happened. I don't know what because I didn't see it but I know it happened.

My first Mr. Jones, when I was 18, fresh meat on campus, living the high life in the newest dorm, introduced me to the role of Mrs. Jones. And I played the part like I wrote it my damn self.

I was all up under him, adored him, listened to him, trusted him, cooked for him, cleaned up for him, prayed for him, and almost loved him. Almost.

He had a situation early in my freshman year that would have separated us for a long time (like Paid In Full trouble). I cried and I cried and I prayed for him and for us and for his mom and for him. I laid up in my roommate's bed everyday for a week because I couldn't sleep alone. I went to church homecoming crying the whole time like I wasn't saved and I had strayed and some more stuff, even though I was good friends with God.

A week or two went by. I called him randomly walking back to my dorm from somewhere just to hear his voicemail. Do you know this man answered the phone?

I was so happy and so overcome with relief that I didn't think it strange or mean that he had been home for 2 days and didn't think to call me. I just felt better, like I had relocated my space in the world.

I should have known it was all about to be a mess after that but I couldn't. I was trying to love him.

For a very little while, it was all good. And then literally, one day (we spoke everyday), he stopped calling, didn't answer or return my calls and I was devastated. At first I thought something had happened again.

Then he answered the phone once after we hadn't spoken in 2 weeks. All he said was he was busy and he would call me back later and I believed him. He didn't call me back and then I just knew he had left.

I spent 3 years trying to figure out what happened, what I did wrong, what was wrong with me, why he didn't want me, etc., blah, blah, x, y, and z.

Almost four years later, I am not totally sure why he up and left but it is not as important as the other things I have realized.

He was 10 years older than me (yes I know, but I have always been attracted to older men, which is why I waited for college before actually dating), but he acted very immature. I noticed it, but wrote it off as playful, like an idiot. He was not too good at communicating but I wrote it off as a fear of confrontation (because I am very confrontational). Maybe I was in love.

But now, my biggest fear is the end. I can't get into a relationship with anyone because I have this nasty fear of how it will end, what will happen, etc. So I just don't enter so as not to have to deal with an exit. If the dude Mommy betrothed me to doesn't work, I will be a chronic bachelorette.

I can't remember why I was so into him anymore and have turned around and run across town when I meet a gentleman who displays anything he did when I met him. But I am still a little mad, I discovered today. There are some words I'd like to share with him and some things I would like to tell him about himself. I don't really have anymore questions. He probably wouldn't know the answers anyway.

Keane said that "love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme". What if that's true?