Buck and a Quarter

The winter is unkind, selfish, and without the solace of sanguinity. I am not a fan.

But winter negotiations of fashion are handsome. She requires layers and begs for demureness with smatterings of color.

Shallow as it may sound, the bitter tappings on my ears by the wind are made tolerable by thick black leggings, a Napoleon Bonaparte styled peacoat, a silk scarf and blue suede shoes.

I ventured to the mall, heart rapidly beating, wallet trembling and begging for mercy. After leaving F.XXI, my other half wanted to investigate Journeys. She is in love with some Converse's that she couldn't find anywhere, but were present that day. And I...I have dreamt of blue suede, slouch boots. Amazingly, the exact style that I fantacized about came to meet, in my perfect 7.5 narrow.

So I bought them. And any time that I walk in them, I remember that I can do it by myself, no matter how they feel that I should be broken for my wrong(s). I have to do bad all by myself. I can't eat stupid for breakfast every morning.

Testing the Flame

Not that I need to introduce this song, but this used to be my cut. I could not get enough of this song. iTunes surprised me and played this a few minutes ago. The shuffle option ain't nothin' but the shonuff.

"Love" by Keyshia Cole

I used to think that I wasn't fine enough

And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough

But I won't waste my time tryin' to figure, out

why you playing games, what's this all about?

And I can't believe,

Your hurting me.

I met your girl, what a difference

What you in her

You ain't seen in me

But I guess it was all just make-believe

Oh, Love

never knew what I was missing

but I knew once we started kissin'

I found.......

Love

never knew what I was missin'

but I knew once we start kissin'

I found....

Now you're gone, what am I gonna do

I'm so oo empty

my heart, my soul can't go on

Go on baby without you....

My rainy days fade away when you,

come around please tell me baby

why you go so far away

Why you go...

Oh, Love

never knew what I was missing

but I knew once we started kissin'

I found......

Love

never knew what I was missin'

but I knew once we start kissin'

I found.....

Now you're gone, what am I gonna do

I'm so oo empty

my heart, my soul can't go on

Go on baby without you......

Rainy days fade away

when you come around

say your here to stay

With me boy

I don't want you to leave me

I need you.....

Oh, Love

never knew what I was missin'

but I knew once we started kissin'

I found......

Oh, Love

never knew what I was missin'

but I knew once we start kissin'

I found....

Bodies Don't Move

"Sand Castle Disco" by Solange

"I'm a cool ol' Jane with a skip on my feet / I play tough as nails with my heart on my sleeve / I'm nothin' but a sandcastle / Baby don't blow me away...

This will be short. I'm in the library reading for class. I have 150 pages to get through by Tuesday for 2 classes. I love school, I love to learn, I think education is important, but college sure does know how to test a Negro's will and discipline.

I've been reading since 11:30 this morning for my Perception class. It is interesting and really boring simultaneously. It is the psychological study of how we perceive all the stimuli in our environment. I have to learn how people see, why they see what they see, how people hear, why they hear what they hear, etc.

No two people perceive the world the same way. Even in the same environment, two different people may see, hear, feel different things based on the life knowledge the individual is working with. It is interesting but the details, theories, laws, etc. are the boring part.

I will be in this library until 7 or 8 tonight. I will go out tonight, but it'll be a short social experience because I have to study much more tomorrow. I am going to the third world democracy tomorrow morning. It was Lima's birthday yesterday! He turned 18. I called the house and sang happy birthday to him on the answering machine.

Then I called him later in the evening and spoke to my Daddy for a couple of minutes. Lima hates to talk on the phone but he said a few words to me. He knew it was his birthday but he doesn't fully understand the concept. His birthday isn't just his birthday. When he answered the phone, he said "Happy Birthday Zainab. I am 18 years old." My Daddy and I laughed so hard at that.

He is so cute. He is having a birthday party on the 31st and I wasn't going to be able to go, but I think I will so as to reinforce to him that his birthday is important.

Back to the study room. The third floor of the library is the best, especially if you can procure a study room.

Baby, I know you do that to all the girls / You know that I'm fragile / Bay-ba-ba-baby, don't blow me away...

I Can't Take This Serious When You're Just Having Fun

"Breakdown" by Mariah Carey

...friends ask me how I feel / and I lie convincingly / cause I don't want to reveal / the fact that I'm sufferin'...

Consult T.T.Y.N...Possibly for context

Classes have started. My soul and my life are beginning to have some semblance of normalcy.

When I wrote T.T.Y.N...Possibly, the holidays were approaching. Everyone knows that I am out of town almost the whole break, visiting with family.

That is how we Africans vacation. We go to some relatives' house in a city or state we don't live it. I love it.

I was in Northern Virginia and Pennsylvania for a month, happy, fat, and doing nothing.

So, my conclusion was easy to put into effect. We weren't even in the same state. And I am very, very good about not contacting people. I rarely ever call or text this person at all. I sometimes don't respond to his correspondence.

When I returned to my neck of the woods of the Commonwealth, the correspondence was a little more frequent. My roommates and I pledged to party hard this first weekend after classes started because all of our schedules are very hectic and socializing will simply be out of the question this semester.

And in typical me fashion, encouraged by my nemesis, I texted him or called him (I cannot recall). He didn't respond but called me back some hours later and we fell in step with our normal routine.

But, this shall not be normal routine again. I have no plan of action. I don't want one because I don't want to invest mental energy into a plan that I won't follow. Que sera, sera. The girls told me that the true test would be coming back home from break. And it was the true test. I failed.

I just don't want to want him anymore. This is dumb. This is the stupidest, most insignifcant situation in my life. I have a dramatic, full, interesting, depressing, exhausting, aggravating life to attend to. However, here I am writing about damn Mr. Jones again.

I wish the 30th century man would hurry up and come back from Africa already. I need a distraction, a useful distraction. With the 30 century man, I at least have a shot at a regular courtship. He might buy the cow. Mr. Jones ain't buying no cow anytime soon, and especially not this one. F man, F.

Letting You In

"Luxury: Cococure" by Maxwell

...lady lover / lady soul / you're my discovered pot of gold...

I must reconcile my lifestyle with the perimeters of my morals. Fashion used to be something to be interested in but not something to invest in. But that has changed.

I took myself shopping. I have some resplendent garments that make me feel very good about myself. I am changing the way I dress to some grown stuff to show the insecure girl inside how amazing she is.

I used to think that I had no business indulging in clothes. As if my shopping was somehow responsible for the woes of the world. Children are so self absorbed.

I used to think that happiness was for other people. I was one of those people who couldn't really describe misery because I knew nothing else. I felt strange being happy or excited or good. I was happy with caution I guess, waiting for the wrong to enter.

There are people whose approval I needed to be happy. I would still like those people's approval, but I will not die without it.

I think I just realized that much of what goes on in my life, good, bad, and bland, starts in my head and ends with my action. So I am working on changing the way I think and being more careful about what I do so as to be able to explain misery.

Happy New Year. Do something amazing this year.