T.T.Y.N...Possibly

"Closer" by Goapele

...sometimes you just have to let it go / leaving all my fears to burn and die / push them all away so I can move on / closer to my dreams...

Finally [I think it's final] I came to a resolve that I should have come to a long time ago.

I have been "talking" to someone for 18 months now. I don't know what the hell "talking" to means but it garners the least amount of questions when explaining the "circumstance of our situation" to friends and other types of consultants.

Nonetheless, we are just as familiar with each other as we were 18 months ago: meaning, we don't know anything. With the exception of exchanging a few stories about things neither of us remember about the other, we don't know each other.

We have been out in the public twice, a large fault of my own because I am awkward about menfolk and I'm a newly born homebody.

We don't talk on the phone or text unless we are planning to meet up. I have a very elementary understanding of what his daily routine is like, just from the nights I have spent over there. I'm pretty sure he has no idea what I do with my life outside of school.

I like him, am drawn to him, and have a hard time leaving him alone. He hasn't done anything [wrong] that causes me to want to leave him alone. He is always very nice. We have great conversation and a similar sense of humor. He is normal. That is very important.

I like him. I haven't been waiting 18 months for anything. I didn't expect to ever like him or for him to be able to hold my attention this long.

But I like him now and in recent months, I have been very frustrated by the fact that he communicates nothing about what he thinks about where this is going. I just realized the other day how long it's been and I suddenly got really tired.

He's normal. That is very important I told you. I have yet to be attracted to a normal gentleman [though my years are few].

I am accustomed to controlling, mean, immature, obsessive, abusive, dysfunctional menfolk, because for a long time I was largley dysfunctional myself.

I still don't feel totally functional, but I have access to this man who won't hit me, will allow me to have my own life, and won't ignore me, but I can't bring myself to open my usually, big, loud, motormouth and tell him what I think.

I am also really disappointed with him. I am shocked that [or so it seems] he could continue this arrangement forever. I'm not that patient.

And it is not as if I don't have other things to be focusing on. I find myself sometimes allowing the idea of him to usurp my energy in the world. I talk to my friends and consultants to no end about this and it is still the same.

I am not willing to do what needs to be done to move this situation. I am bitter and insulted that he hasn't come to me yet. I am simply not ready to be with anyone, I just wish I was. He is normal and I'm starving for some normalcy in my life. Starving.

So I'm leaving it alone. Maybe I'll pick it up next year or next month or next lifetime or never. It's selfish, I know. I should say something to him but I haven't the language nor the pride to spare. I don't want him to feel bad or be upset or bitter, which is why I should say something, but I'm not going to. I have had episodes like this before.

I always go back and he is always happy to have me. Maybe this time I'll really get it together?

You know I'm slow to learn. But I just want someone to be happy to have me.