Face in the Dirt

"Summertime " by Fantasia

...your daddy's rich / and your mama's good lookin' / so hush little baby / don't you cry...

I lost my darling make-up bag over a week ago. I have been using my little sister's make-up instead, but it hasn't been the same.

I hated make-up when I was younger. I didn't want to be a shallow girl. But loving make-up, as I have discovered, doesn't make you shallow.

I was using Revlon Color Stay Eyeshadow and I really loved it. It was a smooth, gentle, and epidemically cooperative powder that accentuated my eyes but did not overdress them. And the combination of colors for the palette I picked were perfect. Make-up/skin compatibility for us dark skinned girls can be some work (and I have quite a lot to say about that in a later entry).

And I lost her. Along with my Revlon Color Stay Eyeliner, my Mac Smoke Signals, my battery operated eyebrow shaper, my eyebrow pencil, my Cover Girl Fantastic Lash mascara, my Beauty Rush lip gloss, and my Mary Kay glitter. Shoot.

So of course I had to go and buy some more make-up. My sister wears purple and other such flamboyant colors. I can't pull that off well.

My new bag consists of my staples: the same mascara and eyeliner mentioned above. I also bought L'Oreal Infinite Eyeshadow (804 Autumn Leaves color).

It's beautiful. It's appropriately dramatic too. I usually wear tones that are identical to my skin shade but have some glitter or something in it for simple effect. This L'Oreal Eyeshadow is very creamy, silky, and brilliant. The color almost appears to be foundation for my eyes with a subtle suggestion of gold in the compartment for my eyelid.

I put on my face every morning so that I feel like somebody. Sometimes I feel like I'm not here, like I'm watching and not living. When I think about my life, the future and such, there is so much haziness. There is a paralyzing anxiety about the "what ifs" and I have no way of calming myself down.

But my vanity is always nourishing. I can look at myself in the mirror and see this beautiful face of a person who is also beautiful inside. I doubt that I am a good person sometimes but I am. I don't do everything right all the time, but to be honest, I do it more often than your average person. The sadness I am accustomed to feeling only makes me want to help people all the more.

I always want people to know that I am someone that they can come talk to at any time. I am very giving of myself, of my things, of my time and anything else. I am very accommodating to those around me. I am hyper vigilant about the needs of others in particular situations and in life in general. I am intuitive like a mother about those around me. I call my best friends "my babies" and I'm nicknamed as mama by all of them.

I am the resident go-to-girl.

At times, it frustrates me because I feel unable to go to anyone about my insecurities or my life frustrations. Most often, however, I relish being the emotional safe net for my friends and family that I wish I had for myself. I feel as though if I cannot find solace myself, I can be solace for someone else.

So I talk through these lips, newly conditioned with my Artistry Lip Care Kit, and make them laugh, give them perspective, encourage them, tell them I love them, and whine and cry about my own life sparingly. Because I love them and it hurts less if I am focused on how much I love them than how unloved I feel.