Earth, Wind, & Fire

"Come to My Window"

...I would stand inside my hell / and hold the hand of death...

Usually, I adore the end of the year and the excitement of a new year, the newness of a new year. Currently, I am not excited. I gather that my lack of excitement is due to the fact that I am wholly unsatisfied by my life. The new year will not change my life. Only I can change my life.

In my youth, I had this idea that the new year and its majesty would be enough to change my life. Somehow, these new digits on the date would carry a momentum of change strong enough to drag my life along and into greatness. And for many years, such was the case.

After some time, my life became too heavy with things like anger, depression, broken hearts, etc. The momentum of the new year was no longer enough and I would stay in the same wreck that worsened over the year. When the next New Year's Eve came around, my life was heavier than the last year and again unqualified to ride the momentum.

I don't know why I feel differently this year, but I'm tossing my life up and believe that it will make the momentum this year. People tell me all the time that I am so beautiful, I am so intelligent, I am so caring, I am so considerate, I am so funny, I am so aggressive but none of the those things have done anything to improve my life in last two years. So next year, each of those aformentioned qualities will be put to good use. I want to really be beautiful.