Solace

"Free" by Destiny's Child

...ain't no feeling like being free / when your mind's made up and your heart is place / yea...

Sometimes it's hard to believe this is my life.  At times, I feel as though I am observing a work of fiction rather than my own life.  The drama can be so intense sometimes, so thoroughly devastating that I cannot even believe it is possible to happen.


Additionally, the people in my life can be so demanding and so unreasonable sometimes, I am trapped in some mental warfare, part of me believing, this is not happening and another part being fully aware that I am sitting in a load of crap.


I try to my best to remember that people are different, handle crises differently, handle stress differently and all those negative emotions that tend to contribute to people treating one another with a compromised level of respect or no respect.


However, I have a hard time empathizing because when I am upset, disappointed, irritated, etc., I try my best not completely lose it on people simply because it's such a painful thing to know you hurt someone you love.


But alas, it seems that only a handful us can refrain hurting a loved one in the midst of anger.  The anger that my parents demonstrated towards me was devastating to my life.  It actually should not be classified as anger but rather as rage.


I'm so tired.  I'm already a perpetual disappointment to myself and the people I depend on for emotional sustenance can be so wholly inadequate sometimes.  It's so painful.


For this reason, today, I asked myself to demand more of myself.  I need to be my own comfort and my own support, at least for now.


No womyn/man is an island so I don't expect to be my own biggest fan for as long as I live, but until I am better and can demand better from those in my life, I'll have to be my own crutch for a while.


Do they not say that if you don't expect anything, you cannot be disappointed.  So I resolve to understand that one day either the people who surround me will one day understand me and be able to support me unconditionally or God will introduce a new network on which I can rely.


Because on some real, I'm doing important work in this world and I need liberation from other people's insecurities and inadequacies.


Ain't no feelin' like bein' free...

Still in Love with You

"Just Friends" by Amy Winehouse

...when we will get the time to be  just friends? / and no i'm not ashamed / but the guilt will kill you / if she don't first / i'll never love you like her...


I'm feeling pretty satisfied today.

It's 47°F outside, it's raining, it's windy, and I have an assignment due that I cannot complete because I lost the tape.

Usually, I would be excessively upset and anxious about this missing tape, this unfinished assignment, and this lack of diligence, but I can't sweat it right now.

I have been in high stress mode everyday for several weeks now.  For that reason, I have been extra irritable, pessimistic, and whiny.  I feel a little disgruntled at how hard I work, how passionate I am, how much I care about the details and I'm not ever satisfied with my own product or the products of others.


It is a little ridiculous, this perfectionism business.  I have never really been that conscious of it as I have been of late.  In retrospect, I have been this way my whole life.


I can remember projects and assignments in elementary school that I worked on like it was going to guarantee my entrance into college.  And I was like 8 years old.


I have always, always been driven by my parents and more so by myself.  And I am seemingly unable to comprehend that the lack of perfection does not equal to disaster and that perfection itself it virtually impossible to attain.


Dearest Sarah pointed out that I have been negative about life, and I have been.  I have been having a lot of existential questions these days.  I'm not totally sure why I am here or what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  Why do we even live?  Sometimes it seems so stupid to be alive.  I often feel like my existence is so shallow and so negligible.  See the pessimism?


Anyway, I think I can find an answer to some of those questions.  I have no idea why humanity exists in general, but I believe that I partially know what I should be doing with my life.  Since I'm here, I might as well do something with it, no?


Last night I was complaining about how I didn't want to go to an event on campus that our organization, Afrikana, had been invited to.  It was being sponsored by a group that represents a lot of shallowness and lack of efficacy, especially in the Black community.


But, I was  so WRONG.  I had a great time, the people were so interested in what Afrikana was about and what we were trying to accomplish, they wanted to join and fight along with us, they were so engaged in the conversation.


I was wrong and I'm glad that I was.  It was awesome.  It was really rejuvenating too.  I didn't feel so purposeless.

It was so nice to see a room full of Black women interested in Black consciousness and African/African-American culture.


And there was food.  Food always brings people together so the Deltas (the hostesses) created a theme called "A Taste of Culture".  I made tola soup and rice for the event and they lapped it up.  I really thought that a few people would try it and I could take the rest home to my apartment to eat as I study through the weekend.  Not.


It was gone way before the event was over.  I always assume that Americans think African food looks weird, smells weird and won't want to risk tasting it.  Not.


I'm a little bitter that I have no tola but I'm happy that people are receptive to novelty.


I say all that to say that I'ma chill.  Happiness is elusive of course and I don't even really seek her fakin' liiiiiike a$$...but I want to live now and make use of this time.  It ain't all about planning and there is always food.


Huge shoutout to Sarah and Charity, who are such great sources of clarity.

Pata

"God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr

...you see my life was spinning out of control / and the fact that i'm still alive today / ain't nothin' but, nothin' but a miracle...

I always have so much to write about. Life happens to me, I notice life and I have so much to say. But my God, my life makes no time for my art.

Really, I make no time for my art. I love art like I love God and I be fakin' liiiiiike...

Last week Friday I was just having a bad, baaad day. I can't remember the details of the badness (which is just a testament to that fact that trouble don't last always). I just remember feeling so out of control, so helpless, so much self-pity, anger, and frustration about still being frustrated.

I thought that my whole life, not just whatever incident I was dealing with, was in shambles and even the good things were just life's way of mocking my misfortune. I lost my VCU ID, which is my whole life on campus. It was the last "bad" thing to happen that day, and you know it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm a habitual negative thinker. I know, but I'm praying on it.

And that's what I was reminded to do on Friday. I forget that things could be so much worse. This life is bad for me sometimes, lonely, solutionless, and seemingly not worth the effort. But I am still alive which is more than so many can say. And as long as I am alive, I still have some control. I still have some opportunity.

Someone found my ID and emailed me. Slowly, the rest of the messy injustice of my day and life rescinded or just didn't seem as big of a deal as they initially did. I went to the library, less loaded on my mind and studied, my purpose in life for the time being.

I pulled out my planner and was temporarily overwhelmed by my life...tests in red ink, bills in blue ink, more meetings in purple all up and through my planner.

Whatever song was playing on iTunes faded out and I started to open my mouth to complain. "I can't...

And they sang...

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so

And then Nikita told 'em...

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

Obviously, I shut my mouth. and no matter how much I study my science, love my science, feel secure in the certain logic of science, I love my God. The fact that I'm still alive today ain't nothing but a miracle. I'm only here because He still wants me to be, because He protected me, because God blocked it.

I got work to do.

For real though, I have so much reading to do.