Training Pandora

"Good Love is on the Way" by John Mayer

...good love is on the way / I heard them say...

It's been a lousy day, mostly due to the gray skies outside and the black thunderstorm inside.  I've been minimally productive, crying, and irritable my whole day.

But I feels better.  Music Therapy.  I turned my Pandora on and set it to my Edwin McCain station...my good White music I picked up when I was younger and finessed in my tenure at an all White college preparatory school...the good old days.

Then I exceeded my skips and switched to my John Mayer station.  And he came out kicking with "good love is on the way."  I just have to remember that good love is on the way.

I'm frustrated with the continued struggle in creating a healthy and functional relationship with my mother.  I can get passed being rejected.  I can get passed being left alone or abandoned, even if I never understand why, the love I have for her will let me get passed it.

But she puts up this wall.  She treats me like a sleezy business partner or a disgruntled ex.  She is not my mother and I am not her daughter.  I want a way to breakthrough to her.  I want a breakthrough.  Get her to stop putting on that stupid face of dominance and stoicism... and show me she has feelings.

Alas, I am being impatient.  I have spent the last six years constructing a wall similar to the one she has had up my whole life.  I keep running into my own wall and blame her.  I keep her and my father at a distance, arms length, feed them with a long-handled spoon.  I did/do it in order to protect myself from being rejected.

I am not afraid of rejection anymore so I don't really need that wall.  I think it's time to be vulnerable...just lay here and be vulnerable and hope that she lays with me...ready to be vulnerable too.