Still in Love with You

"Just Friends" by Amy Winehouse

...when we will get the time to be  just friends? / and no i'm not ashamed / but the guilt will kill you / if she don't first / i'll never love you like her...


I'm feeling pretty satisfied today.

It's 47°F outside, it's raining, it's windy, and I have an assignment due that I cannot complete because I lost the tape.

Usually, I would be excessively upset and anxious about this missing tape, this unfinished assignment, and this lack of diligence, but I can't sweat it right now.

I have been in high stress mode everyday for several weeks now.  For that reason, I have been extra irritable, pessimistic, and whiny.  I feel a little disgruntled at how hard I work, how passionate I am, how much I care about the details and I'm not ever satisfied with my own product or the products of others.


It is a little ridiculous, this perfectionism business.  I have never really been that conscious of it as I have been of late.  In retrospect, I have been this way my whole life.


I can remember projects and assignments in elementary school that I worked on like it was going to guarantee my entrance into college.  And I was like 8 years old.


I have always, always been driven by my parents and more so by myself.  And I am seemingly unable to comprehend that the lack of perfection does not equal to disaster and that perfection itself it virtually impossible to attain.


Dearest Sarah pointed out that I have been negative about life, and I have been.  I have been having a lot of existential questions these days.  I'm not totally sure why I am here or what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  Why do we even live?  Sometimes it seems so stupid to be alive.  I often feel like my existence is so shallow and so negligible.  See the pessimism?


Anyway, I think I can find an answer to some of those questions.  I have no idea why humanity exists in general, but I believe that I partially know what I should be doing with my life.  Since I'm here, I might as well do something with it, no?


Last night I was complaining about how I didn't want to go to an event on campus that our organization, Afrikana, had been invited to.  It was being sponsored by a group that represents a lot of shallowness and lack of efficacy, especially in the Black community.


But, I was  so WRONG.  I had a great time, the people were so interested in what Afrikana was about and what we were trying to accomplish, they wanted to join and fight along with us, they were so engaged in the conversation.


I was wrong and I'm glad that I was.  It was awesome.  It was really rejuvenating too.  I didn't feel so purposeless.

It was so nice to see a room full of Black women interested in Black consciousness and African/African-American culture.


And there was food.  Food always brings people together so the Deltas (the hostesses) created a theme called "A Taste of Culture".  I made tola soup and rice for the event and they lapped it up.  I really thought that a few people would try it and I could take the rest home to my apartment to eat as I study through the weekend.  Not.


It was gone way before the event was over.  I always assume that Americans think African food looks weird, smells weird and won't want to risk tasting it.  Not.


I'm a little bitter that I have no tola but I'm happy that people are receptive to novelty.


I say all that to say that I'ma chill.  Happiness is elusive of course and I don't even really seek her fakin' liiiiiike a$$...but I want to live now and make use of this time.  It ain't all about planning and there is always food.


Huge shoutout to Sarah and Charity, who are such great sources of clarity.