Waiting for My Spaceship to Come

"Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill

...now I may have faith to make mountains fall / but if I lack love then I am nothin' at all / i can give away everything I possess / but left without love then I have no happiness / i know I'm imperfect [I know I'm imperfect] / & not without sin [& not without sin] / but now that I'm older all childish things end...

I find forgiving people to be too difficult.  Even though I am aware that I make mistakes and I too look for forgiveness from people in my life, it is the hardest thing in the world for me to dispense from my spirit.

I believe in Forgiveness.  It is a good thing, a merciful thing, a freeing opportunity.

But I find it so hard.  My Mommy apologized for all that she has contributed to what we have endured in the last 3 years and I would like to say I forgive her, but I am not sure.  I still think about some of the things I had to go through because of how stubborn and unforgiving she was and I am angered, I cry, and I am frustrated as if I am still going through it.

I don't say anything to her about it and I don't sulk or become sullen around her at all, nor do I feel like sulking or being sullen around her.  But there are times, when I am away from her, when I am frustrated by a particular item in my life and I will say to myself "I wouldn't even have to deal with this if she hadn't...blah blah blah."

Then the despondency begins in my viscera and travels to my face and leaks out of my eyes.  And then if she or my Daddy calls, I don't want to answer.  I don't want to talk.  I may avoid them for a day or two, depending on how big a pain I feel about the item I am frustrated about, how optimistic I am about it, etc.

Then I think to myself, "Have I accepted her apology?"  Yes I have.  "Have I forgiven her?"  I don't know.

Honestly, I am not sure I even have a clear working definition of forgiveness.  I feel as though if I have forgiven you, I have forgotten your mistake because if I remember it, I am forever pained by it and in turn, can't forgive you, can't trust you, can't believe you can/have made a change.

But people impart to me that to forgive and forget is not wise.  You must forgive and release the mental anguish of holding someone accountable in your soul all the time.  But you must not forget so as not to suffer the same thing again.  I always wonder "What kind of life is that?  How can I live, having forgiven you but always waiting on you to do it again?"

Uggghh!

And apologies.  Apologies are great.  Apologies are hard to do.  Apologies are a great start on the road to forgiveness.  But an apology in and of itself is not the remedy, even if he/she to whom you are apologizing believes it's genuine, accepts it, and doesn't make you feel guilty about your mistake.

I heard the apology and I accept it but my feelings are still hurt.  I still feel humiliated and ashamed about myself.  I still feel less than.  I don't want to.  I don't like it.  I am not trying to hold onto it but I must wonder if that isn't the way you truly feel about me.

Part of what makes it so hard for me to forgive people is linked to the way I feel about myself.  I think of myself quite lowly.  I think of myself as damaged, confounded, and more improper than others.  For this reason, I find sustenance in the wonderful ways my family and close friends (who are family to me) think of me.  I haven't yet built and nourished my self-esteem with internal structures.  However, I believe the words and actions of my family and I stand tall atop their positive opinions of me until I am strong enough to build those same sentiments inside myself.  I need a good opinion of myself so that when I encounter those who don't like me so much, it doesn't hurt so bad.

The family members, whose opinions and love and respect and kindness I stand upon, have sometimes let me down.  Having nothing inside myself to compensate for external disappointments, I find it hard to forgive them.  I find it unnecessary to forgive them.  I already don't like myself, you said you loved me, and proceeded to chop me down as if I was disposable.  I can never believe in your love again.

This is a struggle I am having with a few very important people in my life.  My Daddy, who is extremely forgiving was encouraging me to use forgiveness to free myself of the anger I have for 2 aunts that I have always been so good to and that I thought loved me.  I am trying to forgive some best friends, some lovers, some strangers, some frenemies.

I hate to say it but I'm trying to forgive God too.  I felt abandoned and felt that God was weak because if She wasn't, after all I was able to sacrifice (that I KNOW other people could not have done), why did my breakthrough take so long?  I changed so much.  I gave up so much.  

I lost the sense of materialism.  I lost the sense of selfishness.  I lost all the connection to material things and things of no spiritual value and asked for very little when excess was consistently waved in my face.  I feel like I learned more than people ever realize in their whole lives.  The last leg of my suffering just seemed unnecessary and I'm still having this conversation with God everyday.

There is nothing inside myself.  With all my big, loud talk, I am the most sensitive, fearful girl in the world sometimes.  I have things I am passionate about and any timidity or fear or sensitivity is unavailable in the moments I am fighting for those things I am passionate about.  However, those things I am passionate about are not about me and not necessarily for me.  My sustenance, for now, is found in how I can fight for other people, make life fair for other people.  I haven't started really working on Haja yet.  I am working on Haja by proxy, by screaming, rebelling, writing, working for the populations I feel I am represented by.

And lastly I haven't forgiven myself yet so forgive me for my lethargy in forgiving you.  I trusted you.


**have only one heart
    one heart with no spares
    must save it for lovin'
    somebody who cares
           - Billie Holiday