Until Just Then

"Baby I'm Yours" by Shai

...Realize girl that my heart is kind of torn / Watch you step girl, because my heart is weak and worn...

Ain't that nothin' but the sho nuff? I used to love me some Shai. That's the kind of music that needs to make a comeback.

My Daddy has boarded a plane to Brussels as of 45 minutes ago. He will then catch a flight to good old Freetown, Sierra Leone for a month. My poor mama doesn't know what to do without her man, her right hand. She whined about how she misses him already.

I hope that my marriage is just like my parents. I have always found marriage to be a peculiar thing. How can people love each other for all of their lives? It seems so impossible, maybe because many of the people in my life are fleeting. I hope that after 25 years of marriage like my Mommy and Daddy, I'll still miss him when he goes away.

Anyway, this is a griping blog entry. My Mama cooked earlier this morning and we all ate lunch together before we dropped my Daddy off at the airport. After eating, Daddy announced that we have to support each other and be here for our mother. We're a family and family members stick together and do anything for one another (*side eye*). Then he directed his attention towards me and talked about establishing a routine with my little brother Lima. Lima has Autism and severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, for real. So do I and we work as a good team to get all his chores and homework and things done in an efficient, sparsely OCD decorated routine.

Now, this is not a problem because I love my youngest brother and I am quite adept at taking care of him, managing his outrageous tantrums, convincing him to cooperate on his moody days, and all of that. I have always been very in tune with Lima and what kind of encouragement he needs in particular situations to get things done for him and with him.

However, I have no intention of spending my summer in Richmond, VA with my parents. It is not because I don't like them or they treat me bad, but it is just not what I had planned. Nine months ago, when the walked away and decided to let me be, I cried and cried and cried (and still cry some nights). I have been taught my whole life that you need family. Your family is who you are. You don't even need friends (which I always thought was bogus) because you have your family.

But what happens when your family does not hold up those tenements and gives up on you when they feel you are being too difficult? Well it sucks, just so you know.

I dealt with it though. I continue to cry but I realized that no one can go on with my life except me. So I returned to school on my own dime and I set plans in motion to assist me in entering graduate school, getting grants and scholarships, and doing things that I love and make me feel purposeful. Those plans did not involve my family and did not involve The Commonwealth.

Now, I am to change my plans to accommodate the desires of the family that thought I was more trouble than I was worth. And to top it off, it was suggested in such a way that I felt guilty for not wanting to change my plans to accommodate this family.

I love them and I would do anything for them if need be, but the need isn't truly there. I do not trust them anymore as parents. I feel as though their love is strong, but conditional and when I am not doing what they want or the flat out don't like what I am doing, the admonishments are too fierce. It is as if you are not allowed to make mistakes.

I think back, sometimes, on the things I pulled when I was 15, 16, 17...the things that worried me, the things I focused on. I was a kid. I was doing exactly what is typical of that developmental stage. However, my parents and family help me accountable for every little indiscretion as if I had murdered another person. And when I think about it, it makes my blood boil. I was doing very normal (bad) things, but nothing that would really ruin my life.

Whatever. The point is, I was learning to live without a family. I was redefining my purpose and even some of my identity to make sense of the mess that was my domestic situation. I know that my issues were heavy and complicated and clouded in secrecy (because I don't confide in my parents, although someone else did for me), but I am still their child. I felt and continue to feel disposed of. And I cannot be too sure that it won't happen again. To prevent that altogether, I have resolved that I have to do all things for me by myself.

Nonetheless, I miss my old life.