Lost Without Me

"We Don't Care" by Kanye West

...and to all my people that's drug dealin' just to get by / stackin' money til it gets sky high / we wasn't supposed to make it past 25 / but joke's on you, we still alive /throw your hands up in the sky and say we don't care what people say...

I'm feeling a little lost.

I've always been really opinionated, calculated, anal-retentive, and obsessed with planning.  I used to make a daily calendar listing what I would be doing at each hour of the day.  Literally...for real :: I would use the calendar application on my iBook G4 and type in what I was doing at each hour, even if it were just to type up that I was taking a break, writing in my journal, or taking a nap.

And I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies.  I try to be in control of my time as much as possible.  I try to be in charge of how I lead myself to my goals.

Of late, I have no idea what I am doing.  I feel aimless.  I feel a lack of motivation.  I feel a lack of utility.  I feel a lot of confusion.  I feel a lot of anxiety.

I'm not in control of myself so much.  I have all of the thoughts and none of the ability to make them materialize.

College is over.  I don't know what I want to do: go to nursing school, go to law school, go for a Master's in social work, have a baby, work for another year, move away...I just don't know.

Six years ago, I was going to be a nursing major and follow it up with medical school.  Sounded like a plan.  Then life happened :: didn't make it to nursing school :: changed my major and then got to use my academic training in the field.

That's what really changed my mind: field experience.  Working with the children that I was and interacting with their parents, learning their environments and their histories and witnessing how little the system cares and how little it is willing to do for CHILDREN changed my mind.  I wanted to be an OB/GYN but now I feel unaccomplished serving the uteri of middle and upper class women.  I wanted to go to law school and do constitutional law...f that.  The babies are hungry and I'm gonna spend my time in court arguing amendments?  I can't.  The babies are hungry.

So I have to figure out a place where I serve the beautiful young Black children of the world, survive financially and psychologically, and have time to make and raise babies.

Plus I gotta learn to make my parents behave.  I gotta find peace of mind.