Believe In Me

"Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer

...if you want more love :: then why don't you say so?

Problems are easy to identify, great to lament about, energizing to dwell in.  Answers and solutions are elusive, elusive, secretive, elusive, and difficult to maintain patience to seek and greet.

You can always list your problems without hesitation.  If anyone begins to lend an ear about what ails you, you have perfect linguistic ability to detail all that's wrong with you and your life.  You're broke.  You want another/a new job.  You're in love and scared.  You're still broke.  You're bored.

It's difficult to list remedies you have considered of even implemented, mostly because you're stuck listing the problems.

I have one problem: my easily compromised faith.  I'm a drama QUEEN.  I love for life to be full of craziness.  But there is a level of craziness I cannot manage.  I get really impassioned about dejected moods and I just wanted to stay melancholic.  I do enjoy being sad for some reason.  I get all down in the dumps, never-no-sunshine-no-more, end-of-days sad.

Why?  Because I lack faith in my God.  I think the solutions have to start with me.  But they don't.  I can do what I can to facilitate change and improvement because God does help those who help themselves.  But what power of authority I lack, my God makes up for and I need to learn to let Him do His job.  I NEED to surrender authority.

So for the duration of the year, I need to focus on my faith.  It's a little late for New Year's Resolutions, but this is not just for a year.  I want great things to happen to me and the people around me in the coming years.  These coming years are pivotal and set the stage for the rest of my life...for real.  I feel like they said that when you graduated from middle school, high school, and then college.  And all those were pivotal times but this is the real show.  What will I do with all this education?  What will I do with all my passion?  What will I do with all my love?

I have to become a career-woman, a wife, a mother, fighter for Africa...a fighter.  And I can do all these things through Christ Jesus.

Lost Without Me

"We Don't Care" by Kanye West

...and to all my people that's drug dealin' just to get by / stackin' money til it gets sky high / we wasn't supposed to make it past 25 / but joke's on you, we still alive /throw your hands up in the sky and say we don't care what people say...

I'm feeling a little lost.

I've always been really opinionated, calculated, anal-retentive, and obsessed with planning.  I used to make a daily calendar listing what I would be doing at each hour of the day.  Literally...for real :: I would use the calendar application on my iBook G4 and type in what I was doing at each hour, even if it were just to type up that I was taking a break, writing in my journal, or taking a nap.

And I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies.  I try to be in control of my time as much as possible.  I try to be in charge of how I lead myself to my goals.

Of late, I have no idea what I am doing.  I feel aimless.  I feel a lack of motivation.  I feel a lack of utility.  I feel a lot of confusion.  I feel a lot of anxiety.

I'm not in control of myself so much.  I have all of the thoughts and none of the ability to make them materialize.

College is over.  I don't know what I want to do: go to nursing school, go to law school, go for a Master's in social work, have a baby, work for another year, move away...I just don't know.

Six years ago, I was going to be a nursing major and follow it up with medical school.  Sounded like a plan.  Then life happened :: didn't make it to nursing school :: changed my major and then got to use my academic training in the field.

That's what really changed my mind: field experience.  Working with the children that I was and interacting with their parents, learning their environments and their histories and witnessing how little the system cares and how little it is willing to do for CHILDREN changed my mind.  I wanted to be an OB/GYN but now I feel unaccomplished serving the uteri of middle and upper class women.  I wanted to go to law school and do constitutional law...f that.  The babies are hungry and I'm gonna spend my time in court arguing amendments?  I can't.  The babies are hungry.

So I have to figure out a place where I serve the beautiful young Black children of the world, survive financially and psychologically, and have time to make and raise babies.

Plus I gotta learn to make my parents behave.  I gotta find peace of mind.