Up

Graduation was on Saturday and it was killer!  My roommate and I graduated and sat next to each other during the morning ceremony, talking and tweeting each other at the same time.

The speaker was terrible.  I was low-key hungover.  I was starving and didn't have time to eat before I left the house.  And I was hot as hell in that thick silk dress and black gown.

But I didn't complain and I didn't even really care sitting in that cap and gown.

And then when I walked out of the Coliseum it was held in to find my family, I was overjoyed.  They were so happy, giddy, and so proud.  I was happy to have made them proud.

When I got to my parents' house, there was soooo much food!  My parents spent so much money on a real live party.  All my family came and everyone was so proud of me and made sure to tell me a million times.

I even discovered some closet feminists amongst my aunts.  They were sure to remind me the manner in which education qualifies you to be in control of your own life.  They were sure to impart that no man can ever do for you what your education can and it's my responsibility and obligation as an African woman to use this education that the system would like to deny more or discourage me from engaging, and take it back home.

My mother, my mother was so proud.  My mother was so happy.  Afterwards, she met me outside and hugged me for such a long time.  We don't do hugs but she was happy to hug me.  I decorated my cap with glitter and it read my parents' names.  She loved that.

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart to every soul that has contributed to this accomplishment.  Especially Him.

My God is so good.

Don't Call My Name

...don't call my name / don't call my name Alejandro / i'm not your babe / i'm not your babe Fernando... 

"Alejandro" by Lady Gaga

Who do you love? Me or the thought of me?  I remember writing about this topic before.  I can't really tell the difference between love and lust.

Some would venture to say that means I have never been in love.


But I have been. I'm always in love. It's my favorite state of affairs.

I really do think I have been in love before, it just always ends so bad.

At a point, I believed that I was not lovable at all.  I would get burned everytime...and I was the only common denominator each time so I offered myself as the defective party.


On some level, I still believe I am defective.  I do believe that I would be a waste of somebody's love.  No one has yet been able to capture my attention for an extended amount of time.  No one has been truly selfless in their love either.  I have always felt I am getting far less than I am giving.


And I don't mean materially...because I have a feeling some folk will be reading this entry and begin to mentally calculate all they feel their giving has cost them.

I can compromise.  I can accept defeat.  I can assess the hell outta your state of mind based on real behaviors and reactions (go Bachelors in Psychology!).  I can change the game, flip the script, and improve the worst of situations.  But somehow that true stuff evades me.  True love evades me.

eXcept in one instance...(Whoa)

I love love but she don't have time for me. 

Making My Own Sandwiches

"Ego" by Beyonce

...it's too big / it's too wide / it's too strong / it won't fit / it's too much / it's too tough...

Good afternoon Saints and Aints!

I know it has been so long since I made time to write.  As you are aware, magicwoman, I have been working pretty much full time and going to school full time.  I have been partying too much with new friends and loving on old ones.

So much has changed and I don't even really know where to start.  I can't remember what I have written here...

Well you know I have been natural since December 18, 20009.  That was such a process.  I remember I didn't leave the house for a couple days, preoccupied with how I looked and maybe I made the wrong decision and general "What the hell?" type of thoughts.

I have come a long way since then and so has my hair!  It has grown so much, so fast, faster than any perm or braids has ever done for my hair.  It was about an inch long when I cut it in December.  It is a strong 4 inches long now.  And Lord knows my hair don't grow like that.  When I had a perm, I had the baddest bob on deck, but it was never more than a bob (hmmm wonder why?).

So when I went natural, I went natural right?  By that I mean, I only put natural products in my hair.  I am careful to avoid laboratory concocted ingredients and stick with brands I know to use only naturally occurring products, mixed together and isolated.

And then I kept reading about taking care of natural hair and how it is very oxymoronic to put all this wonder expensive product in my hair and eat, drink, and cosmeticize as unhealthily as possible.

So I dropped all the mess.  I gave up Palmer's Cocoa Butter and if you know me, I have sworn by that bottle for the last 10 years.  As soon as I got sense of enough to not allow my parents to smear Vaseline on me, it was me and Palmer's, my ride or die.  I even put the White kids at Collegiate on because I was constantly putting it on.

I use raw African shea butter for pretty much everything.  I use it as lotion for my body, conditioner for my hair, oil for my scalp, chapstick for my lips, moisturizer for my face, light foundation for my face before make-up, medicine for wounds, cuts, scrapes, and the ilk, and I recommend/give some to anyone else who asks me "What should I...?" and I always interrupt, "Shea butter.  Just use shea butter."

My roommates got these detestable piercings in their ears and I make them do a warm saltwater rinse and put some shea butter on it.  Say it ain't workin...cuz it is.

And then I continue to OD.  I use natural laundry detergent, deodorant (not anti-perspirant because they block your pores and for real, you ain't supposed to smell like cucumber and melons all the damn time), natural toothpaste, natural floss, natural Black African Soap (or Mango Shea Butter Soap) and of course everything for my hair is natural.  At least once a week I put extra virgin olive oil in my hair to protect the tips.  My hair and skin and teeth are amazing.  My head my look like brillo pad, but it's the softest thing up against your skin (natchel curly hairs...please don't touch! bahahahahaa!  *inner thought: i wonder if anyone gets that*).

And then food:  I went vegetarian/vegan.  Well, I am trying to go vegan but I love cheese!  I gave up milk cold turkey (and this is one African that loves milk.  my parents used to buy 2 gallons of milk when i lived at home because i needed a gallon all to myself...it was so real).  But there is no need to drink milk after your mother's milk.  No other animal drink the milk of another animal.

I limit how many times a week I can have cheese and have "fast weeks" in which I am a strict vegan.  For real, it isn't that hard because I wasn't raised on a serious meat diet.  I never liked beef for some reason.  My family is Muslim so I had never seen pork until I went to my American friends houses.  Chicken and seafood is basically all I would eat and I much preferred my Mommy's fried fish over chicken so I wasn't losing much when I went vegetarian.

I cheat on my veganism though.  I eat ALL the cake and cookies.  Well not really because I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but for the 2 days of the month that I eat sweets, I don't care what is in it.  I am however very strict about keeping meat and milk out of my diet.

It's a wonderful life.  It is such a wonderful life.  I have come through so much and been blessed with so much.

I am a good, conscious person.  I know to much.  I have seen too much.  I have too much fight in me.  I want to fight the good fights.  I want to be a minimalist.  I want to fight the nasty capitalism that has destroyed many lives.

Those are the kind of people who get killed.  I don't have much time here so I changed my life to be pure of body and spirit to fight the good fight and be buried a skinny, pretty warrior woman.