Wind Capacity

"Not Anymore" by Latoya Luckett

...somebody say i don't want it anymore / i don't want it anymore / somebody say i don't want it anymore / i don't want it anymore / cuz i've dried my eyes and realized / i deserve somebody that'll treat me right / because i know my word so you can keep / that drama, i don't want it anymore...


Happy Valentine's Day.

I don't usually have an opinion one way or another about Valentine's Day, at least not anymore. 

Now that I am older, Valentine's Day just becomes another commercialized holiday that means absolutely nothing.  It's a capitalist money experiment that has gone and is going very well.

I don't feel sad if V-Day rolls around and I am single.  I don't really care.  I just want cupcakes.  And I make ally my friend's be my valentines.

I had a good Valentine's Day this year.  In the midst of a death in the family, stress at work and school, and an extremely incommodious breakup, the spirit of romance is beyond me.  As I sat in my office at work on Friday, crying, shaking, disturbed, and worried, I thought it to be some kind of poetic justice that I would be so brokenhearted just before Valentine's day.

I spent the weekend recovering from Friday's agony and the tempest of the last week by getting to see two of my favorite people in the world.  Brittany came down for the weekend and Christina made an appearance!  

And I got a phone call and an email from my husband, both of which were quite sweet and reminded me to remain focused but relaxed in my hectic schedule. He said he was praying for me as we grieve over darling Amina who died last week.  He told me to be strong for my mother, who is taking it hard (I didn't even think he would know what Valentine's Day is but I underestimate the pervasiveness of a global capitalist society. WTF do Afrakans need with Valentine's Day?)

 

I was surprised by Brittany with wonderful gifts.  She got me a build-a-bear!  I love stuffed animals.  I always have one stuffed animal that I'm obsessed with for a while until I get another one.  I sleep with it, put it next to me when I study, watch tv with it.  I love stuffed animals (what a ridiculous tangent).

I got flowers, a wonderful card, eyeliner, a bottle of Moscato D'Asti, and some new clothes from F21 (but of course my focus is this bear, who I named Isaata).  She said all because I deserve to feel special.  I deserve a little distraction and happiness given all I have endured these past few weeks.

The second greatest gift I got for Valentine's Day, however, is strength.

I have given up my strength, my power, my own fortitude and for no particular reason.  I panic, panic, worry, get anxious, panic over things as if I have control over anything.  And while I don't have control over other people's behaviors, I have control over how it will affect me and how I will manage it.


I have been feeling down, out of control, pessimistic, and flagrantly morbid (Death always makes me feel that life is absurd).

And somehow I managed to remember that I am getting better.  I am gaining more control.  I am learning about optimism.

I'm not ashamed of what I've been through.  I'm not ashamed of being "crazy".  I'm happy to know there is something wrong so that I may be able to fix it and live a long life.

My friend Brittany has been trying to remind me of my strength, remind of the wonderful, normal things going on in my life, and encourage me to keep them in focus.

The greatest gift I got was my relationship with God.  I have never forgotten my God.  After all I have been through, I know that I should not be alive and I know that I have been changed.  No matter what beef I have with organized religion or how enamored I get with science, I love my God.

I have been talking with my God and I was finally able to see that my God has never deserted me, but I occasionally stray from my God.

And my God said don't cry.  My God said that my tears are being counted.  My God said that it is not the end of the world.  My God said a broken heart can be mended.  My God said that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.  My God said that revenge is not in my hands and those for whom I shed tears will be duly punished.  My God said my happiness will no longer be elusive.  My God said pray for my enemies, my doubters, my naysayers, my criticizers.

I am worried but I am not afraid anymore.  Fear and anger are incongruent with progress and improvement.

Thank you Brittany for reminding me of my inner strength, my capacity to fight, made possible only by my God.  Thank you for reminding me that I am intelligent, resourceful, and backed by supportive people these days.

I give you no power by disavowing fear.  I just want to be happy Black woman...a student, a teacher, a daughter, a believer and a happy Black woman.

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face