Queen of Sorrow

Sade has a song entitled "The King of Sorrow". I recall absolutely none of the lyrics in this moment but in thinking of a title and a song to include in this entry, I thought of that song.

I thought of it and decided to dub myself the Queen of Sorrow. I think I am the Queen of Sorrow. My sorrow is sometimes dressed as compassion. I empathize with others so vehemently, with so much heat and passion, I am become their angst or pain. I become sorrowful for myself. "How can I live in this world?" I often say to myself.

And then there is the generic sorrow, the reaction to disappointment in my life. That is the worst because it feels so heavy for no reason. It is just little old me. I haven't the time to grieve about myself while the world is in the condition it is. Why so heavy?

Everyone has their burden. I am delivering mine to God to handle.

I am stubborn so of course I will take it out of His hands, thinking I can deal with it, or needing to lament about it.

My sorrow and depression have also become a comfort. Things seems so inconsistent, so uncertain, so discombobulated, I am anxious. However my pain is always painful and that consistency is comforting.

But today, this first day of Ramadan, visiting my family, I decided that I don't have to do that. I truly don't have to use pain to comfort myself. There is a God that can be anything you are missing in your life.

For that reason, I am fasting and praying several times a day to allow God to be all that I am missing in my life.

I do not want to turn to Him just when I am in trouble, when I am lonely, when I am sad. I am ungrateful sometimes. I lament to Him more than thank Him or even ask Him for change. I lament.

I have a blog to chronicle this very serious journey into something, someone totally new. I started it not to be cliche but to have tangible evidence of my growth or my regression. I want to record what it is that goes wrong when I give up on God or forget Him for a while.

Each day, I am discovering I am more and more alone in this life than I thought. There are people around, but sometimes I feel so different, it's as if our souls cannot mingle, touch, connect, interact. People's souls do that and mine just seems to weird to do it.

So I am hanging out with God. Therapy will start and it will help. School will start and it will help too. But solidification and permanence of my happiness and productiveness most definitely rest in my relationship with God, who I pocket and forget about when I am too overwhelmed.

Silly girl. Tricks are for kids.