I Can Blow Big Bubbles

"They Gonna Talk" by Beres Hammond


...some things were meant to be...

MyLove

I didn't fall in love.  They say not to use the term "falling" in reference in love.  Love is supposed to be deliberate.  Not that you decide "I am going to love this person" but that when you feel the unmistakeable, you admit and accept it.

Love is my favorite thing to do.  I used to fall in love at least twice a year, haphazardly, insincerely, and with juvenile understanding.

And then I met this man, just after one of my lovely haphazard accidents.  He was supposed to be just a rebound, just something to do in the meantime as I recovered.

One fine day, I realized that something was happening.  I didn't process with my friends about it.  I denied and played it cool.  Love kept knocking at my door.  This b*tch is relentless, I thought to myself.  I gave in and I answered the door.  I let Love sit down and we talked it out.  She said Girl, you're grown now.  You don't fall into me anymore.  I realized I wasn't going to fall in love.  I had the option to love him.

So I chose to love him and love him I do.

This is the first time in my life that I have had the option embrace Love and not fall, like a dummy, into it.

OurLove

And this man I love loves me back.  We fight in the cutest way, get really mad but can't stay mad.  Reconcile and concede that we're both wrong.  He's working on being a better man for himself and for me.  I'm working on being a better woman for myself and for him.  We realize every moment won't be perfect or even good but joy is always available and prayer is the way to it.

And we're working on being a better team for OurLove.

I forgot to tell you, but about a month ago, we found out that we're pregnant.  It was scary news, especially for me, because I wasn't planning on having a baby and I was insecure about whether he was planning anything with me.

But he's been very supportive and so wonderful to me.  I fee like I love him anew everyday.  His family has been so kind and supoortive.  And I looooove his family. 

And I'm so excited about the family we are going to be, especially about the father he's going to be.  He amazes me everyday.  Yesterday I had so many moments where I heard my father come out of him...and you know I loooooooove my father.

I love the love between a Black king and his seed and I can't wait to see them together.

Confirmation:  I was looking for a song to start this blog entry with.  I hit up Pandora and picked the Beres Hammond station...and of course that song spilled out of the speakers...because God knows I love my man who taught me that love conquers all.

Training Pandora

"Good Love is on the Way" by John Mayer

...good love is on the way / I heard them say...

It's been a lousy day, mostly due to the gray skies outside and the black thunderstorm inside.  I've been minimally productive, crying, and irritable my whole day.

But I feels better.  Music Therapy.  I turned my Pandora on and set it to my Edwin McCain station...my good White music I picked up when I was younger and finessed in my tenure at an all White college preparatory school...the good old days.

Then I exceeded my skips and switched to my John Mayer station.  And he came out kicking with "good love is on the way."  I just have to remember that good love is on the way.

I'm frustrated with the continued struggle in creating a healthy and functional relationship with my mother.  I can get passed being rejected.  I can get passed being left alone or abandoned, even if I never understand why, the love I have for her will let me get passed it.

But she puts up this wall.  She treats me like a sleezy business partner or a disgruntled ex.  She is not my mother and I am not her daughter.  I want a way to breakthrough to her.  I want a breakthrough.  Get her to stop putting on that stupid face of dominance and stoicism... and show me she has feelings.

Alas, I am being impatient.  I have spent the last six years constructing a wall similar to the one she has had up my whole life.  I keep running into my own wall and blame her.  I keep her and my father at a distance, arms length, feed them with a long-handled spoon.  I did/do it in order to protect myself from being rejected.

I am not afraid of rejection anymore so I don't really need that wall.  I think it's time to be vulnerable...just lay here and be vulnerable and hope that she lays with me...ready to be vulnerable too.