Worried 'Bout the Wrong Thang

"Gravity" by John Mayer

...gravity...is working against me / oh gravity...wants to bring me down...

Guilt: a feeling of having done wrong on failed at an obligation

Guilt is most definitely one of the most useless emotional motivating tools that can be employed. I do not say this to say that guilt is wholly poison.

It isn't. Guilt is actually quite an adaptive emotion. It reminds us that things are expected of us and people depend on us. It also reveals that we are empathetic. To feel guilt is to internalize the disappointment someone feels with me.

The disappointment someone else feels is external to my own consciousness. However, I can empathize with the feeling of disappointment and feel bad for having caused such an unpleasant consequence in someone else.

I, Magic Woman, feel a lot of guilt. I am obnoxiously vigilant of the emotions and reactions of others. I am also hypersensitive. These two tendencies mate feverishly so while I am observing too many emotions and reactions, I am also calculating which are related or caused by me. Usually, I attribute most all people's negative emotion and reactions to be attributed to me.

For this reason, I operate under an extreme amount of guilt, much of it self-imposed. I already think "It's my fault". So when it is my fault, it is the end of the world. When I make a mistake, like all people do, it isn't just a mistake. It's a symptom of the completely decayed character.

But I'm not a bad person. I do not even really do bad things. My sense of guilt is quite incongruent with that I seem to know about myself. However, I "know" it in the cerebral, intellectual sense. I do not feel it in the viscera of myself, where I think my soul sits, behind my organ systems.

Behind my organ systems sits a large sheet of black construction paper. In ethereal white ink is written what I really think of myself and it does not match what,intellectually, I should know and think about myself.

fmfl.