Worried 'Bout the Wrong Thang

"Gravity" by John Mayer

...gravity...is working against me / oh gravity...wants to bring me down...

Guilt: a feeling of having done wrong on failed at an obligation

Guilt is most definitely one of the most useless emotional motivating tools that can be employed. I do not say this to say that guilt is wholly poison.

It isn't. Guilt is actually quite an adaptive emotion. It reminds us that things are expected of us and people depend on us. It also reveals that we are empathetic. To feel guilt is to internalize the disappointment someone feels with me.

The disappointment someone else feels is external to my own consciousness. However, I can empathize with the feeling of disappointment and feel bad for having caused such an unpleasant consequence in someone else.

I, Magic Woman, feel a lot of guilt. I am obnoxiously vigilant of the emotions and reactions of others. I am also hypersensitive. These two tendencies mate feverishly so while I am observing too many emotions and reactions, I am also calculating which are related or caused by me. Usually, I attribute most all people's negative emotion and reactions to be attributed to me.

For this reason, I operate under an extreme amount of guilt, much of it self-imposed. I already think "It's my fault". So when it is my fault, it is the end of the world. When I make a mistake, like all people do, it isn't just a mistake. It's a symptom of the completely decayed character.

But I'm not a bad person. I do not even really do bad things. My sense of guilt is quite incongruent with that I seem to know about myself. However, I "know" it in the cerebral, intellectual sense. I do not feel it in the viscera of myself, where I think my soul sits, behind my organ systems.

Behind my organ systems sits a large sheet of black construction paper. In ethereal white ink is written what I really think of myself and it does not match what,intellectually, I should know and think about myself.

fmfl.

I Am Your Woman

I been made a fool so much
Too scared to fall in love

Feels so right
Somethin' I been missin' all of my life


The universe is funny. I'm on the train on the way to my aunt's house in Raleigh, NC for fall break, so as to escape the monotony that is the Commonwealth.

I was on the phone with Mr. Bitchass, who I love, who I'm not supposed to love. Current circumstances are not conducive to this love and I feel like such a fool for not realizing what is obvious now. And what comes on iTunes? "Break My Little Heart" by Jazmine Sullivan. The universe is funny.

I brought it up, what I have come to realize and how it makes me feel. I wasn't going to bring it up but I couldn't help myself. I tell him everything, or at least try to, and I'm trying not to be so secretive, so mysterious. I don't think I am but apparently everybody thinks I am.

I think that is so peculiar because I feel like I share my business a lot. Those closest to me say that I'm obviously not hiding things. It just strikes them as strange that I omit a lot of information about myself until asked or until things become to pressing for me to consider on my own.

But that's a whole other blog entry.

We talked about it and he didn't really clear anything up for me. I might be a little more confused now but it's ok.

I do feel like a fool though. Maybe he was very clear but when enamored, it's hard to hear. And he has always been honest. He has always been considerate. He always been kind. Therefore, by no means do I think he is being dishonest or hurtful. I just wish I had caught myself before I did what it is I always do.

And I feel like my sister and my best friend don't approve of this whole situation. Something tells me that neither of them is particularly thrilled with this relationship, but, given that I'm in over my head, they don't want to bust my bubble.

I am also difficult to confront, especially about anything I am passionate about. I think that if they did try to point out the harsh realities of what I am involved in, I would defend it, explain it, excuse it like it's the fight of my life.

But sometimes I feel like it is. I feel justified in fighting for the love of my life but of late, I doubt the fight. The love is certain but love is not always enough.

I think on the phone tonight he told me exactly what I didn't want to hear and I overlooked it again. Somewhere inside myself I heard it but more of myself chose to ignore it...again.

And I know better. Lord, I know better. And now I'm in this place where...

...she needs my love / she says I'm like the air and without she'll die...

I told Brittany that and she almost strangled me through the phone but, my God, that's how I feel sometimes.

I have been waiting, hoping against hope, praying for someone to be able to love me, damage and all, unconditionally, make an effort to understand me, be patient with me, rescue me from myself and my pity. I dealt with people who didn't even deserve my hatred just so as not to be alone. I feel like I have just what I prayed for but it ain't mine.

So I sit and wait some more. I am supposed to wait in limbo some more until...who even knows? I can't do anything but love him and wait for the next available room in Heartbreak Hotel.