A Wrap on the Door

"Baby I'm So Confused" by Syleena Johnson

...and darlin', darlin' it's all because of you / you put a hold on my heart and soul...

My Verizon contract expired on Sunday. I didn't realize the time was approaching so soon. It has been a year since I got that phone. A lot has happened to me since I had that number, some good, some bad.

I met some good people and some bad, life as usual.

I thought about keeping my number to avoid the task of informing people of the new one.

Then I considered the past I want to leave behind, the people who need to stay in the past I am walking away from. So I changed my number. I promise this is the last time I will change my number. As I said in an earlier entry, I am a lot more scrutinizing of the people I allow in my life. I deleted some numbers and preserved some to use at my discretion.

Mostly because of the Will fiasco, but also because people in general have revealed themselves to be disappointing. There are even some family members I don't much want anything to do with. I have decided to confront the aunt that spoke such vitriol about me.

I rationalized I have nothing to lose if she already thinks I am so horrible. I have found out that this aunt is kind of a gossip predator. She apparently loves to talk about people, sometimes outright lie about people, and turn around to befriend them. She even talks about her older sister quite meanly (another aunt of mine is a talker but she's so nice) and acts as though she says nothing.

None of those people get my new number. I'll keep in contact with the kids because they are kids. It is important to me that my cousins have an older person to candidly discuss things with to keep them out of trouble. I can imagine the trouble I could have avoided had I had someone to consult about some controversial topics.

This African family has a lot of "untouchable" conversations and can lack emotional connection (between parent and child). Most of my cousins are younger and at too dangerous of an age to assume they know right from wrong.

Anyway, R.I.P. Verizon. I do looooooooooove my new phone. Sprint is pretty awesome. I love that I got stuff.

P.S. I got HBO and Showtime at my apartment and I absolutely cannot study here. I am banned from my own living room. Damn.

Better Men Than Me

"Selfish Girl" by Rihanna

...you might think I'm pretty / but I just don't care...

Classes have started. Being in school makes me feel so purposeful, reminds me that my dreams are real and attainable.

I have been waking up earlier too. I love to sleep for long, long hours but I decided that grown ups wake up early. So I wake up everyday between 7am and 8am. Tuesdays and Thursdays I awake at around 8am because I only have on class. Mondays and Wednesdays are looooong days so I awake at 7am to give myself and extra hour to prepare for my day.

My Love calls me in the mornings now too since I am a new early riser.

I am in a transition period right now. I just moved to my place last weekend, I still haven't bought my books yet because two of them are much more expensive then I thought they would be and are not in the budget. I don't quite have a routine yet, as the clubs I belong to haven't started meeting.

Speaking of clubs, I am the new treasurer for Afrikana! I was elected last semester, did my training yesterday, and signed off as an authorized distributor of funds this morning.

I also applied for a mentorship program in which I would have 1 to 2 students to mentor. Amazingly, it is for students of color to increase their retention.

You know I had to sign on for that. Anything to encourage my Black folks to be serious in school.

About my place...I'm living with this young White couple with 2 dogs and 2 cats. If you know me, I hate animals. I don't even like humans.

Shockingly, one of the cats and I are best friends. Tupela is his name and we chill every night. He loves to rub up against me, sit on my bed, and generally be in my face. The other cat, Tuckahoe was a little apprehensive. However, last night while I sat on the couch, he layed on me like a baby.

The dog Emma is great. I like her. She is calm, unassuming, says a quick warm hello and goodbye everyday. The other dog, Magnolia, is a puppy, a true, overwhelming puppy.

I can't believe I live with animals...and I like them. It is comforting to have something alive around me. It is peculiar because they cannot "talk" in the way we do so their company is different, but it is just as filling as anything else.

Thank you God for another semester of school, one step closer to that degree. Take that haters.

Queen of Sorrow

Sade has a song entitled "The King of Sorrow". I recall absolutely none of the lyrics in this moment but in thinking of a title and a song to include in this entry, I thought of that song.

I thought of it and decided to dub myself the Queen of Sorrow. I think I am the Queen of Sorrow. My sorrow is sometimes dressed as compassion. I empathize with others so vehemently, with so much heat and passion, I am become their angst or pain. I become sorrowful for myself. "How can I live in this world?" I often say to myself.

And then there is the generic sorrow, the reaction to disappointment in my life. That is the worst because it feels so heavy for no reason. It is just little old me. I haven't the time to grieve about myself while the world is in the condition it is. Why so heavy?

Everyone has their burden. I am delivering mine to God to handle.

I am stubborn so of course I will take it out of His hands, thinking I can deal with it, or needing to lament about it.

My sorrow and depression have also become a comfort. Things seems so inconsistent, so uncertain, so discombobulated, I am anxious. However my pain is always painful and that consistency is comforting.

But today, this first day of Ramadan, visiting my family, I decided that I don't have to do that. I truly don't have to use pain to comfort myself. There is a God that can be anything you are missing in your life.

For that reason, I am fasting and praying several times a day to allow God to be all that I am missing in my life.

I do not want to turn to Him just when I am in trouble, when I am lonely, when I am sad. I am ungrateful sometimes. I lament to Him more than thank Him or even ask Him for change. I lament.

I have a blog to chronicle this very serious journey into something, someone totally new. I started it not to be cliche but to have tangible evidence of my growth or my regression. I want to record what it is that goes wrong when I give up on God or forget Him for a while.

Each day, I am discovering I am more and more alone in this life than I thought. There are people around, but sometimes I feel so different, it's as if our souls cannot mingle, touch, connect, interact. People's souls do that and mine just seems to weird to do it.

So I am hanging out with God. Therapy will start and it will help. School will start and it will help too. But solidification and permanence of my happiness and productiveness most definitely rest in my relationship with God, who I pocket and forget about when I am too overwhelmed.

Silly girl. Tricks are for kids.