I Am Your Woman

I been made a fool so much
Too scared to fall in love

Feels so right
Somethin' I been missin' all of my life


The universe is funny. I'm on the train on the way to my aunt's house in Raleigh, NC for fall break, so as to escape the monotony that is the Commonwealth.

I was on the phone with Mr. Bitchass, who I love, who I'm not supposed to love. Current circumstances are not conducive to this love and I feel like such a fool for not realizing what is obvious now. And what comes on iTunes? "Break My Little Heart" by Jazmine Sullivan. The universe is funny.

I brought it up, what I have come to realize and how it makes me feel. I wasn't going to bring it up but I couldn't help myself. I tell him everything, or at least try to, and I'm trying not to be so secretive, so mysterious. I don't think I am but apparently everybody thinks I am.

I think that is so peculiar because I feel like I share my business a lot. Those closest to me say that I'm obviously not hiding things. It just strikes them as strange that I omit a lot of information about myself until asked or until things become to pressing for me to consider on my own.

But that's a whole other blog entry.

We talked about it and he didn't really clear anything up for me. I might be a little more confused now but it's ok.

I do feel like a fool though. Maybe he was very clear but when enamored, it's hard to hear. And he has always been honest. He has always been considerate. He always been kind. Therefore, by no means do I think he is being dishonest or hurtful. I just wish I had caught myself before I did what it is I always do.

And I feel like my sister and my best friend don't approve of this whole situation. Something tells me that neither of them is particularly thrilled with this relationship, but, given that I'm in over my head, they don't want to bust my bubble.

I am also difficult to confront, especially about anything I am passionate about. I think that if they did try to point out the harsh realities of what I am involved in, I would defend it, explain it, excuse it like it's the fight of my life.

But sometimes I feel like it is. I feel justified in fighting for the love of my life but of late, I doubt the fight. The love is certain but love is not always enough.

I think on the phone tonight he told me exactly what I didn't want to hear and I overlooked it again. Somewhere inside myself I heard it but more of myself chose to ignore it...again.

And I know better. Lord, I know better. And now I'm in this place where...

...she needs my love / she says I'm like the air and without she'll die...

I told Brittany that and she almost strangled me through the phone but, my God, that's how I feel sometimes.

I have been waiting, hoping against hope, praying for someone to be able to love me, damage and all, unconditionally, make an effort to understand me, be patient with me, rescue me from myself and my pity. I dealt with people who didn't even deserve my hatred just so as not to be alone. I feel like I have just what I prayed for but it ain't mine.

So I sit and wait some more. I am supposed to wait in limbo some more until...who even knows? I can't do anything but love him and wait for the next available room in Heartbreak Hotel.

A Wrap on the Door

"Baby I'm So Confused" by Syleena Johnson

...and darlin', darlin' it's all because of you / you put a hold on my heart and soul...

My Verizon contract expired on Sunday. I didn't realize the time was approaching so soon. It has been a year since I got that phone. A lot has happened to me since I had that number, some good, some bad.

I met some good people and some bad, life as usual.

I thought about keeping my number to avoid the task of informing people of the new one.

Then I considered the past I want to leave behind, the people who need to stay in the past I am walking away from. So I changed my number. I promise this is the last time I will change my number. As I said in an earlier entry, I am a lot more scrutinizing of the people I allow in my life. I deleted some numbers and preserved some to use at my discretion.

Mostly because of the Will fiasco, but also because people in general have revealed themselves to be disappointing. There are even some family members I don't much want anything to do with. I have decided to confront the aunt that spoke such vitriol about me.

I rationalized I have nothing to lose if she already thinks I am so horrible. I have found out that this aunt is kind of a gossip predator. She apparently loves to talk about people, sometimes outright lie about people, and turn around to befriend them. She even talks about her older sister quite meanly (another aunt of mine is a talker but she's so nice) and acts as though she says nothing.

None of those people get my new number. I'll keep in contact with the kids because they are kids. It is important to me that my cousins have an older person to candidly discuss things with to keep them out of trouble. I can imagine the trouble I could have avoided had I had someone to consult about some controversial topics.

This African family has a lot of "untouchable" conversations and can lack emotional connection (between parent and child). Most of my cousins are younger and at too dangerous of an age to assume they know right from wrong.

Anyway, R.I.P. Verizon. I do looooooooooove my new phone. Sprint is pretty awesome. I love that I got stuff.

P.S. I got HBO and Showtime at my apartment and I absolutely cannot study here. I am banned from my own living room. Damn.

Better Men Than Me

"Selfish Girl" by Rihanna

...you might think I'm pretty / but I just don't care...

Classes have started. Being in school makes me feel so purposeful, reminds me that my dreams are real and attainable.

I have been waking up earlier too. I love to sleep for long, long hours but I decided that grown ups wake up early. So I wake up everyday between 7am and 8am. Tuesdays and Thursdays I awake at around 8am because I only have on class. Mondays and Wednesdays are looooong days so I awake at 7am to give myself and extra hour to prepare for my day.

My Love calls me in the mornings now too since I am a new early riser.

I am in a transition period right now. I just moved to my place last weekend, I still haven't bought my books yet because two of them are much more expensive then I thought they would be and are not in the budget. I don't quite have a routine yet, as the clubs I belong to haven't started meeting.

Speaking of clubs, I am the new treasurer for Afrikana! I was elected last semester, did my training yesterday, and signed off as an authorized distributor of funds this morning.

I also applied for a mentorship program in which I would have 1 to 2 students to mentor. Amazingly, it is for students of color to increase their retention.

You know I had to sign on for that. Anything to encourage my Black folks to be serious in school.

About my place...I'm living with this young White couple with 2 dogs and 2 cats. If you know me, I hate animals. I don't even like humans.

Shockingly, one of the cats and I are best friends. Tupela is his name and we chill every night. He loves to rub up against me, sit on my bed, and generally be in my face. The other cat, Tuckahoe was a little apprehensive. However, last night while I sat on the couch, he layed on me like a baby.

The dog Emma is great. I like her. She is calm, unassuming, says a quick warm hello and goodbye everyday. The other dog, Magnolia, is a puppy, a true, overwhelming puppy.

I can't believe I live with animals...and I like them. It is comforting to have something alive around me. It is peculiar because they cannot "talk" in the way we do so their company is different, but it is just as filling as anything else.

Thank you God for another semester of school, one step closer to that degree. Take that haters.